No one notices the elephant in the room; they are too busy staring at their phones.

 How do you even bring it up?  It's such a big topic.  It's such a life altering experience.  What angle are you intended to approach it from?   How do you talk about the elephant in the room??  Well, you know, the one with the wide eyes and telling smile?  She's been standing there, listening.  Paying attention.  We both know that Everyone must know, something.  A form of the truth, watered down, spiced up. Taken out of context, edited to fit an agenda and entirely one sided. I know it is all one sided, because I chose to stay quiet through everything. My false posts about love and my relationship had halted months prior.  When my heart started shrinking in its cage, my mind stopped thinking about telling others about it.  I craved change, I salivated for a REAL love.. the love I was promised in my vows.  I was stuck in a living hell.  Not loved or cared for, ignored and manipulated- but then told it is MY fault. My issues, My problem. The Ogre spoke.. The drone of constant repetition and sameness.  Blame and hate, radiating out to loved ones and friends, pulling in bystanders to support his false claims, just to make me look bad.  

My social accounts had turned into an ad service for a selfish and narcissistic monster.  Gaining patrons to fill the nostrils of the Beast with his party drugs.  The reposts of photos of women that were finding much more attention and time with my 'husband' than me.  Finalizing this charade in another drunken broken promise, another shard of broken heart, swallowed.  I was told his behavior wasn't an issue... and that I am a liar for leaving the overbearing embrace of blame and hopelessness to sit in my safe place and cry about it and clear my head, in the only space I felt safe in, for quite some time.  

This was the beginning of the final FINAL chapter.  I had deleted social media DAYS before the locks on the house were changed while I was at work.  I didn't need to or want to broadcast my personal business, and was glad I didn't even have the temptation to publicly embarrass myself, like the Ogre did. 

Legal actions taken on me halted any movement almost as good as the Shibari knots I've been working on. I HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO ACCESS MY OWN BELONGINGS. As of today, my belongings are still held hostage by the Ogre in his dilapidated castle.  Held over my head like a dangling carrot, just waiting for me to reach out so he can pull it further away.  The story regurgitates and changes, as the need for every follower to get involved in this mortifying social suicide, grows.  The seemingly insatiable appetite for crowd backing and attention is just a tell tale sign of a manipulative abuser... if you can google, you can learn anything about psychology. 

 And to think, I've been over here, wasting my time, having conversations with the elephant instead of buying in to this garbage.. you know, the one over in the corner... It's ok that you forgot about her.  No one ever pays her any mind.. she just quietly records everything into her Note 20.   I decided I shouldn't talk about the elephant in the room, I should LISTEN To Her and learned what she knows..  So.. here is what I now know.

The truth. It seems simple. You wake up and fall in love with life, everyday.  In the embrace of a loving partner- the feelings that get you through the day.  But what happens when that all changes.  For things completely out of your control. Undiagnosed mental illness against over tolerant submissive behavior fueled by an insatiable need for public acceptance and attention led to a severely Toxic and contrived union.  One day, over a year and a half ago.. it is decided that I'm not acting right, and ever since, I have been subject to textbook abuse.  Mental and Emotional instability so unhinged it triggered my domestic abuse PTSD.  

When I listened to all of the recordings the Elephant had collected, recordings of me being called a liar, told to stop crying my stupid fucking crocodile tears, the voicemails PLEADING with me to forgive and forget. The names, the blames, the stress, all put on me, because he decided he wanted to lay with another woman.  She read me the texts that tell me I am in the wrong, as I rubbed the glass out of my feet left from a shattered mirror the Ogre smashed during a 3am drunken rampage... The evidence she has collected correlates with real life, stacking up as tick marks on my spine.  In these moments, I've been taught that it is Fight or Flight.. at this point in time, my flight kicked in.  I attempted to leave, and I was met with the fiery wrath of a seasoned manipulator.  Time unfolded in a degrading movie scene with Red tape long enough to tie up a horse and her damsel.  Fires to destroy my existence that burnt so hot they stole power from the surrounding areas for 3 days.  Coupled with circumstances that can only be blamed on Loki, if he were a file clerk at Marion County Courthouse.. I am still currently enduring the wrath, and will never see my personal property again (including my other 4 bikes), having to forfeit it to appease and dismiss the Ogre.  There was harassment sent by carrier pigeon and hand maiden.  Hidden devices in trojan horses.  My safety and wellbeing are in constant upheaval, being aware any grown man can walk . right . through . a piece of paper.  Now that the air is clear on that, I can EXPLAIN, with an emphasis on the plain.. and none on the ex.  

Domestic abuse has always been a trigger for me.  Not because of my childhood.. my parents rarely fought and if they did, I never saw it.  My past relationships have trained me to see behavior, be prepared for the inevitable and protect myself at all costs. My first abusive relationship corresponded to my college years, when I thought I was just too young and naive and fell for a classic case..waking up with a concussion at the bottom of the stairs.. The second time, it was disguised as a beautiful and well endowed package.  Too good to be true, having girls like me strung out across the country.  Third, in love with alcohol more than anything in life.. including me.  Finally this one.  You would have thought I learned .. but it isn't that simple, and I'm apparently a magnet for fuckheads.

For what these men may have taken from me, they have given me an adaptation in life: to always have a safety net.  My own credit card, with a nice high limit.  My own vehicles, bought and paid for (no matter HOW MANY TIMES they tell you to sell and get new, DO NOT DO IT) My own cell phone plan, that I will NEVER give up, and a Bug Out bag with all essentials for when you can NOT access your own belongings.  I have had a bag packed to GET OUT for over a year.  I have had to use it 3 times.  I knew this wasn't going to get any better.. and it was only a matter of time before I was the new Victim reading the lines the last woman he 'loved' typed up in an explanation of the 11 years of abuse she endured.  I tell women to LEAVE relationships like this.  When this dawned on me, I thought- why am I being such a hypocrite?  I can leave.  I am OK on my own.  I DO NOT deserve this, and he DOES NOT deserve me.  So- I started packing, planning and telling my family what I was going to do.

The day I tried to leave the abuse escalated to an 11. I was spit on, smoke blown in my face.. as I was told every file and photo of my motorcycle trips was deleted from my drive.. I steadfastly took my leave without a single glance back.

Monsters like this attempt to destroy strong women.  Monsters like this try to clip their wings and tie them down, hold them under their thumb and only allow the movement, motion and behavior that they accept as beneficial to themselves.  Mentally ill, damaged monsters who think the world and her body is theirs for the taking- and when they don't get what they want they cry and scream and throw a fit and HURT others to make themselves feel better.  Scream so loud no one can hear the real cries from the small voice underneath them.  

I put SO MUCH HARD WORK into this. And it turns out I was just putting all of the work into someone else.  Not where it should have been.. into myself. I will leave you with one quote from the elephant in response to and inquiry about collecting one of my motorcycles, that I found particularly telling:  If love and kindness are all that is spoken when they're Sorry- it's nothing but torture and vindictive action when they are Irritated-  YOU CAN ALWAYS SEE THEIR INTENTIONS BY THEIR ACTIONS..  I guess I would be mad too, if all of this were my fault:

"No.  Was going to let her get [her bike] til I heard about the bullshit she is spreading about me now. Plus my attorney said no large items should be removed until we go through mediation for the divorce.  She made her bed. She can lay in it.  Her shits still on the porch btw " *LAUGHING TEARS FACE EMOJI*x2 "FUCK HER" "Don't ask me again"

Let me know if you want more details.  I will tell anyone who asks.  I don't lie.  And I will NEVER lie about something as serious as domestic abuse.   I am safe. I am alive. What I have endured is not going to break me.  I am a survivor, and I will continue to tell my story- maybe it will help another woman get OUT of a situation like this, or avoid it all together. <3  Remember, you are stronger than him.