K A R M A , Tennessee

    Sometimes when life happens.. it happens hard. and it sucks. Stuff happens to those around you, things you see and can't help- things happen to those close to you, that you feel, and can sometimes help in a sense of presence and solidarity, and then when the things happen to you- it can feel like a brick wall was just put up in your path of life- a bomb went off in your carry on- NOW WHAT. I've learned through my 30+ years that when these things happen, if you stay true to yourself, and true to the truth- you come out ahead. Be a decent human.. love yourself the most you can, and take care of those around you. Sometimes the world and the universe just have a way of providing the perfect KARMA.

Iron Tart Apparel

     In my life, what did I do to deserve what has come to me? Leaving a marriage after a solid year of trying to make it work- fighting for my rights and belongings like treading water in the ocean- struggling with self image and respect issues after being mentally and emotionally abused by a monster for 2 years- Overcoming the opinions of others that don't matter. Let's dissect and really examine what that means.

 In reality, everything that has happened has bettered my life, and improved my disposition. It looks shitty from the outside, maybe my life path isn't what others would consider a good one- but that's ok, it's not THEIR path- or if you listen to the Dickless Covert Narcissist abuser who continually tries to keep me in his cycle of abuse: I'm 'suffering' and can't stop hurting others... I was suffering WITH him. He kept asking me what I wanted, "TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT" { as you can hear in his reactive abuse videos on YouTube} and it was literally the one thing he could NOT give me- mostly because narcs have no capacity or desire to. I found it where I knew it was all along- in my self, that thing: Happiness. 

My God Daughter loves sloths.. and they welcomed me with open arms

 I have hooked up with a network of Narc survivors, and learned that this is all VERY typical of a CNPD, and I just ignore it. I have better things to do. In truth, I manifested this new life. I asked that my material possessions be lessened so I could travel easier, and be able to think about people more, and not things. Asked that I become more caring, nurturing and helpful to those in need around me. Because I was being sucked into his world, HIS greed, his need to have money and things to make people like him. But I wanted to live in the moment and not be stuck behind a screen or lens, but IN IT, in my mind- making memories I can have that no one can take from me, with no regard for anything others think. I ASKED TO BE HAPPY. And now, I am, and can. Living my literal BEST LIFE- close to before he and I ever met, because my life, alone, is -and has always been- my BEST LIFE.

 My wishes were all granted. Not in the BIBIDTY BOBIDTY BOO way that fairytales make you think, but more like the wishing on moldavite, Grimm cutting off of the toe to fit the glass slipper type of way, being freed from the burden of not only STUFF, but the stigma that surrounds it.. is SO FREEING. It is almost as good as not having social media. I have so much time to work in the garage on my bikes with my new tools, my new tool box, my new bike lift. [I will have an update on my garage build and bikes soon] They are the only possessions I truly care about, with my birds, the only living things I care for, and my mind is clear. I have friends who love me, in every sense of the word, family who takes care of me, and a life that most people would be jealous of- in terms of job security, benefits and living situations.

The haul, as modeled by my roomie

 One of my perks this fall was my ride to Tennessee! I left the morning after the court ordered bike pick up at Dickless's house. I was not in attendance. He accosted my friends with fireworks, and threats. He told my most passive and adorable Pan friend that he would punch his teeth down his throat. For no reason. I had all of the videos sent to me in real time, as I sat on the video chat with my roommate, and they triggered my abuse PTSD. The drunk slurring speech of an abuser is just enough to make you feel in danger. The words slipping past his swollen, fat, drunk lips to create the sentence "fuck around and find out" generates a natural bile induction response in my body. PUKE. what a fucking turd dude. And somehow THAT piece of shit had ME??!!  

Eggy's Skull

Eggy's wish bone

 

Bryan my adorable friend

He lied his way into my delicate nature and giving personality and tried to destroy me. PUKE. What a trashy piece of human waste. A waste of air, water and breath. PUKE. His actions speak volumes over any words he can use to mask them.  I mean, he dug up a 2 year buried animal to use it as bait and emotional abuse.  I see it. My therapist, lawyer and network of survivors and friends see it. I am not crazy. He is undeniably broken and NO amount of super glue can put that back together. Once I got Eggy buried with the help of my besties, had my bikes home, safe and sound to join my softail who was already packed up and raring to go- I felt done. Finished. Completed the chapter in that book. Ready for the road and adventures ahead!

 I was invited to be the FIRST guest to the new house of my best friend, and mother of my God Child. Lucky me, they moved to one of the BEST PLACES in the country to go riding- Eastern Tennessee. I left early that next morning, after a full night of peaceful sleep, trying to get down there as soon as possible. I even skipped some photo opps, like an abandoned theme park, huge statue of Corn, and a few covered bridges that I will definately hit next time. The ride was great, not chilly at all with my leathers on- no rain and no problems. The five hour ride was JUST what I needed to clear my head. Get the junk out that was placed there in the heat of the exchange the night before. Think about how much I love my friends for helping, for being there more than anyone could be- just for me. How can I give back? I was able to come up with my idea of selling shirts for charity, I was also able to come up with my idea to work with the charity networks that help survivors pay for legal costs when thrown into the AWFUL court system here in Indianapolis. Marion county is the swill hole of fuckery. The lawyers that advocate for survivors are few, but they exist. And I hope that I can help another survivor get closure, clarity, and peace one day. My thoughts wandered to everything from family, to health, to mantras and manifestations of love and light. This ride was the perfect example of WHY I ride and how my motorcycles have been my sense of peace and clarity for over 15 years. I cry sometimes. I laugh, I scream- no one else is allowed in this space. It is safe, and I am in full control. No one else can say or do a fucking thing to me when I am on one of my bikes. THIS IS MY FREEDOM, MY HAPPINESS. It is all I need.

    As the flat roads opened into hills, and into rides through crevices and valleys, I arrived to a sprawling 2 story house in Powell TN in the early afternoon. The girls excitement and readiness to show me around the new house was electric!! A pool, a garage with... CHICKENS! After being raised with Eggy as a friend and a pet, the girls finally wore mom and dad down and they are doing a hobby farm! I was already sold on moving to the south east.. this is making it harder to resist! They have baby ducks. I have never in my life fallen so in love with such foul creatures before in my life!! We took a tour of the property beyond the house, giving them a tree barrier and timber to explore. The split level home was equipped with all of the gadgets from the era it was built- the futuristic 60s and 70s influence of room to room intercoms and hard wired air compressors.. heated tiles and built in cabinets.. I just love turn of the century houses! After the tour, we geared up for dinner on the lakefront.. river front? I'm not sure because there are a lot of water ways in the area.. either way, lets go get some Fried Okra on the water! Feeling 100% encompassed in love was the main priority for me, throughout the process of moving, healing and starting over- and this was the right place to be engulfed.

 My bestie and her husband are incredible people. I was enveloped in Aunt Amy love from the moment my feet touched ground.. and THIS is why I am, and will be Forever OK. The love that everyone I know gives to me freely and easily is proof positive that I am not the person I'm made out to be by Dickless- he is a scared and hurt little baby who cries wolf and blames his own insecurities and FAILURES on others. I did what was right and best for me. And I am not ashamed. Leaving an abuser is HARD. But it is necessary to survive. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. It's like willingly walking into the gates of hell wearing nothing but a searing hot metal suit of armor- but babe- you have to burn to be reborn. And I came out of the hellfire stronger, tempered- that suit of armor is now melted to me. Good luck getting through it. 

The other reason I was so stoked to go on this trip were the rides on the roads in Tennessee.. 'they' don't tell you about the good ones, like the road to Top of the World mountain.. yea, that's better than the dragon. It has actual switchbacks and corkscrews, like Iron Mountain Road by Mt Rushmore. The goat path from maryville to Knoxville?? another local treasure.. with BLIND corners around jagged rock faces- it's a road to make you glad to be alive. I was so lucky to be able to spend this time with my littles, and my best friend- and ride, free of any care for an entire week. 

      

We had play dates, we had ice cream, we got to see the highest peaks, we got to pontoon boat around a huge lake, we swam in the pool, I got to braid both girl's hair for picture day!! Aunt Amy mode ON FIRE. Watching movies, hugs and snuggs, chicken and bunny snuggs, duck baths... I mean.. this was an amazing trip. 

                  

                                                                           

 All the while, down off of the coast of Florida, a hurricane happened! I was not expecting it, mostly because I don't watch TV, so I had no idea what the weather was doing. [Small side rant about TV: its stupid, and its used to control you and your brain. GET OFF OF IT.. its like a drug- like social media. POISON. If you do watch, watch with caution and believe nothing you don't research yourself.]

                    

hunkered down for the storms

 

    This Hurricane was on its way to me, and I had no idea the rain on my radar was from that. I just thought it would sprinkle, and I'd be on the road, in the sprinkles. I was stranded in Tennessee for 2 extra days. I'm not complaining, but.. hurricane rain is not fun to ride in.. nor are the flooded roads, the traffic, the cold air that comes with them. NOPE. I'm good on hunkering down and having another cup of hot cocoa and soaking in the Powell nightlife. Big strong dumb guys and all. Not to say I would have gotten into any trouble had I taken the advances of any of them seriously, but I wasn't there for the dudes. I let them buy me drinks, and one got a few make out sessions before I left, but why not? He was super cute, dumb and very strong. It's nice to be appreciated by the opposite sex- especially when you may only see them the 4 times a year you visit that destination! 

 The owner of the Tavern, the Corn Pone Tavern to be exact, was a survivor of abuse as well. This 5' nothing, 90 lbs soaking wet old woman with fake tits plastered on her chest like 2 balls of perky jello was telling me the story of how her husband of 15 years was cheating on her too, and that she found out and took the bar business, the house, the vehicles and everything she could, to leave him with nothing but what he wanted: that other woman. She was a spitfire and made me so happy- that not all men are Narcisists, and not all men come back to ruin you because you aren't happy and want to leave. He took it like a chump and moved on leaving her with the Corn Pone and all of its glory.

She liked this one the best with the flag over the sign

 

The business was doing great, her house, her pets- all amazing without this guy around. She had good Karma in finding her happiness too. She then motioned me toward the sign that hung in the hallway on the way to the single stall bathroom: "She wanted to, so she did" Her motto for life after being thrown away like a discarded candy wrapper. I like it, I tell her- it speaks volumes about your tenacity and strength. That mantra got her through a VERY tough divorce, telling herself that WHAT SHE WANTS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT HE'S TELLING HER SHE WANTS. I adopted a little bit of that woman that night, and took what she said to heart. Anything I want to do, I will do. Not because someone else wants me to, asks me to or wills me (through trickery deceit or manipulation)... only when I WANT TO.  And this single interaction with a complete stranger was KARMA. Receiving divine intervention, information, and life paths through serendipitous moments can change your life, if you pay attention and take the signs as a gift. 

     

    And now I am what most people can't fathom. FREE. I can do what I want, when I want- go where I please, with all of my money, which is all I need. It's out there. I want to be the voice that speaks to domestic abuse survivors and tell them that it WILL GET BETTER. You just have to trust your fate, trust in your good karma, and it will carry you everywhere you want to go. RIDE THE WAVE BABY!

 Having no contact with your abuser is KEY- and therapy. My therapist is AMAZING and I can't wait to give all of the money I'm raising with Trash Babies apparel to her organization to help more domestic abuse survivors!! If Indy did ONE THING right, they put Families First into place- they saved my life. So in the things that are amazing and good, Puerto Rico in the Spring is one of my most exciting trips yet! I do not know if I will be motoing around yet, but I intend to find a bike rental place to do so. Paradise offered to me by being a good person. GENUINLY loving and caring to those around me. This is the karmic juju I have always had, because I do not purposefully hurt others. When I fall, I stand back up and usually rise a few notches. I'm not afraid of starting over or being alone- these things are engrained in my DNA. So, bring on all of the good Karma Universe.. I am waiting like a lightning rod to accept and spread it out to as many others as I can.